Regular Columnists


AUTHOR PROFILE - JESUS CHRIST

Jesus ‘Hellboy 2’ Christ was born in to a poor family of Armenian immigrants in the working class suburbs of Kent. Moving to Scotland in early 2000, the family bought young JC his first PC, and lo, a terrible beauty was born. Quickly attracting the attention of the local constabulary with his attempts to replace the local council’s web logo with a giant pair of boobs, JC’s first blundering hacks impressed the boss of local IT firm Beelzebub Solutions, and at the age of sixteen he became their youngest IT employee. His parents, God and Mary Christ, have since reaped the benefits of Jeezy’s (as he likes to be known) well paid work in computing, and have spent much of the last eight years on the notorious perpetual pleasure cruiser, the SS Gomorrah.

Jesus’ interests are Photoshopping pictures of Hilary Clinton to give her a visible décolletage, perpetrating DoS attacks against religious websites, and downloading hairy-chick poon. He recently emigrated to New York to work for Beelzebub Solutions’ parent company, Satan’s Mom & Pop Firewalls. He now lives in the East Village, where sushi is fresh and wrists are limp.

“I love the internet,” says Jesus. “It’s fucking FULL of porn.”

Read Jeezy's regular column here.





Regular Columnists