Jesus Christ's Internet Digest


"Jesus died for somebody's sins, but not mine," sang Patti Smith. She was right - Jesus actually died because of the sins of furtive masturbator Judas Priest, a close personal friend of the Messiah whose constant self-abuse eventually led to a nasty traffic accident. But that's not what IT Specialist and Web Columnist Jesus 'Hellboy 2' Christ is here to tell you about today. Jesus has more important things on his mind - like Life, The Universe and Brazillian Chicks. Take it away Jay-Cee!

Hi friends, Jesus here. My long absence from the Weaponizer blog can be explained with three simple words - holiday, Cuba and cocaine. However I'm back, and thanks to my regenerative powers, I'm sporting an entirely new set of nasal passages, to replace those blocked up by my recent Cuban jaunt. You'd also be amazed at how fast Jesus can recover from the clap...

So what's been happening in my absence? First up, I found this piece about a newly discovered backwards galaxy which actually rotates in the opposite direction to conventional galaxies. Yes, that's right, this is the galaxy where you get up at half past ten at night, half an hour before you go to sleep! (Thanks to the Pythons for that old chestnut). Of course, being a pan-dimensional godhead myself, I can make time run backwards and forwards whenever I like... which really helps during sporting events. Many's the time I've stopped time and jumped on pitch to help my local softball team win points... I hate to see those pre-teen bitches cry, is all.

In other news, scientists have recently managed to produce the darkest material so far created by man - so black that it's: "blacker than a black Corvette." While this is impressive, many find fault with the findings, who still say that the new material is not even half as black as Darth Vader. James Earl Jones, the voice of Darth Vader, went on record (in my imagination) to say: "Of course Vader is blacker than a Corvette... how stupid is that? Nothing and nobody could be blacker than Vader! These so called scientists will be compelled to feel the POWER of the DARKSIDE!"

A little satanic cooking now - a man was recently reported as having cooked his own hand because it bore 'the mark of the beast'. In fact, the man was suffering from delusions - what he thought was the beast-mark was in fact a hand-stamp from a local nightclub he had visited the previous evening. Restaurants in the area are capitalising on the story, serving up Devil's Hand-burgers to the ravenous locals, in the shape of a six-fingered meat patty on devil's food cake baps. There's no accounting for taste!

Good news too from the world of Sexscience - check out this learned study on Brazillian Women, which attempts to explain their reality-warping powers of babe-itude. My latin lovelies call me Jesus, but they pronounce the J softly, if you know what I mean.

Finally, two short clips to keep you entertained. In the name of religious tolerance, here's Tom Cruise explaining his wacky Scientological beliefs - gasp in awe at his scintillating powers of description: "I was like... wow. This is IT!" Yeah, sure it is Tom. **Editor's note - this clip has since been removed. Which is a shame because it was pretty fucking funny. I've replaced Jeezy's link with a different one, which will take you to a written factual analysis of those same beliefs... Weaponizer apologises for the break in service!

Clip number two is a little teaser for the upcoming documentary Aliens Versus Predator - Requiem. The BBC film crews spent two years filming this moving and emotional study of two of the universe's most dangerous biological entities. Sadly, David Attenborough's contribution to the project had to be abandoned, as he fell victim to a nasty chest-bursting infection in the middle of production. Still, the intricate camera work and unflinching appraisal of these two interstellar beasties enjoying a good old fashioned romp through a backwoods hick town in the USA is compelling viewing nonetheless.

Until next time folks, remember to say your prayers - I just took off my Out Of Office funcion, so I'm back on the mainline. Hit me up!

- JC



Jesus Christ's Internet Digest