Jesus Christ's Internet Digest


"Big Baby Jesus I can't wait, n***a fuck that, I can't wait." Thus spake Ol' Dirty Bastard, also known as Big Baby Jesus. Our very own Big Baby Jesus is also feeling impatient this week, so he has decided to turn in another column of weird and wonderful internet links. Which is fine for him – all he has to do is click around the interwub like a single-fingered proto-human, I’m the one who actually types this shit out for him! Still, no complaints, how many other blogs have a quasi-mystical hero of a well-respected fantasy novel as a regular internet columnist? The day Gandalf starts writing about dubstep for Blackdown is the day Weaponizer throws in the towel. Take it away JC!

 Yo, howdy, wassssssuuup and hello. It’s Jesus here, and I basically had to skip straight on to this week’s column from last week’s, due to the huge amount of awesome-ness which the internet had to offer you crazy sinners. That’s right, as February approaches, the neurons of the scientific community have started to recover from champagne-induced degradation, and have begun to fire anew with some weird and wonderful ideas.

For instance, Japanese scientists have furthered their attempts to create a kill-crazy cyborg, wiring up the brains of chimps to massive Robotech-style battlebots. All well and good, as you can see in this video. Except for the fact that chimps are vicious and predatory as a species, regularly resorting to cannibalism and barbaric violence, and raping each other to death for fun (a bit like humans do, now I mention it...). Surely this is the last kind of creature we should be wiring up with surface-to-air missiles and laser-targeted machine guns? We don't need the competition, frankly!

A slightly more useful invention perhaps is the Gin & Tonic Fog Machine, which basically gets an entire room of people drunk. Reports say that London Council are thinking of using the technology to recreate Dickensian London – simply by installing the G&TF machine on the banks of the Thames and allowing history to slide gently back to the smoky depths of the nineteenth century, complete with boil-featured prostitutes and people in top hats staggering about. It’s got to be an improvement, hasn’t it?

Stuff you want to buy now – For Him, it’s the magnificent Gun Camera, excellent for papping up and coming celebs and politicians. Watch as they cower in fear before the might of your shiny barrel! Or something. And for Her, we have the rather magnificent Hello Kitty assault rifle, perfect for the mass-murdering female who wants to combine ‘cute’ with ‘shoot every fucking thing that moves.’ And for both, it’s the new Size Zero iMac, which basically just folds away into the Fifth dimension when you aren’t using it, and weighs so little that it actually makes you lighter when you carry it.

Some internet news now – it seems Facebook is indeed run by Nazis who want to steal your identity. The government certainly agrees, and hope to shut down Facebook as soon as they’ve finished copying all of your personal details onto the MI6 server. My editor tells me that he had fun trying to upload his band’s songs to his Facebook profile – they requested a jpeg scan of his photographic ID to: “…prove [he] owned the copyright.” Shyeah, right – like you’re going to upload a scanned passport to the least protected server in the UK!

It also seems that there is about to be a crackdown on sites which encourage the nebulously defined concept of ‘extremism’, to prevent people from being ‘groomed for terrorism.’ Quite aside from the nefarious linguistic trickery which establishes a concordance between the tactics of paedophiles and terrorists through the term ‘grooming’, this raises some interesting questions about what forms extremism can take. For instance, I’m Jesus Christ. If I use my column here at Weaponizer to recommend that you go and murder as many people as possible with your Hello Kitty assault rifle, am I grooming you for religious terrorism? I guess only if you actually do it! Well, if you do, please remember to post me the link to the YouTube footage.

Last week, I tried to give you a link to a video showing Tom Cruise explaining his wacky Scientological beliefs. The link died as soon as it went up, but thanks to the efforts of Weaponizer reader Hatie Kolmes, we’ve discovered another link to the same vid. Thanks Hatie! To compliment this marvelous movie, here’s some BBC hack wittering on about how poor Cruise-y Wuise-y has been discriminated against by people who think Scientology is a form of crypto-fascist mind control bollocks made up by a bloke who wrote shit sci-fi novels. Not that we at Weaponizer think this of course – we are tolerant of all religious creeds, even those that advocate pink Japanese cat-related mass murder; or those that reckon space midgets are responsible for your bipolar disorder and the fact you’re a homosexual… whatever… we’re very tolerant.

Finally, I leave you with news that the Internet will soon be in your eyes. If there is any further proof needed that William Gibson was a true prophet who actually invented much of the 21st century 20 years before it happened, here it is.

Until next time – pray for deliverance, sinners!

- JC



Jesus Christ's Internet Digest