Jesus Christ's Internet Digest


"Jesus, take the wheel, take it from my hands," goes the old country song, "Because I can’t take it any more." Country's fucking shit for the most part though, so don't let that bother you. Instead, let our very own Jesus ‘Helpmexenu’ Christ, messiah of the interwub, guide you through some of the stranger corners of the experience we laughably call ‘civilization.’ Take it away JC!

Hello true believers – this week I have been frantically packing bags and making calls to get ready for me imminent transfer to a larger and more well-heeled IT firm. That’s right – Jesus got headhunted, and very soon I’ll be sending these dispatches from the fifth circle of Dante’s Hell, or as it’s better known, America. So expect weirdness, weight gain and web conspiracies to the max!

It’s been a crazy few weeks – even if we leave alone the furore that span out of the whole Tom Cruise video situation, you can still tell that something Apocalyptic is brewing in world culture. Terrorism, the economic decline of the Western superpowers, and the news that American Idol is to get its own themepark have convinced me that the end is on its way. How exactly does being emotionally raped by a virtual Simon Cowell compare with a rollercoaster, I ask you?

But even those who would hasten the world’s end have to consider customer service – hence Bin Laden has launched a new, web-friendly FAQ section of his terrorist organisation, a kind of Ask Al-Qaeda. Even though it’s a risk logging on to the site – you could get doorstepped by the secret police – it’s worth paying them a vist. There are so many questions I want to ask, such as: Why don’t Americans remember the plot of Rambo 3? Where do you buy those cool white djellabas? Who does your beard? Are you going to collaborate with Amy Winehouse on her next atrocity? Have you been invited to dinner at Posh and Becks’ place yet?

Over in Yanksville, the pace of progress quickens and then almost immediately slows again, following the roll-out of LA’s new weed vending machines. I will handsomely reward anyone who can tell me how to hack these babies.

Does anyone remember the Anthrax attacks from a few years ago? Supposedly that was Al-Qaeda as well. Except it wasn’t – unless the American intelligence agencies have someone working for them called Alan Qaeda. Check out this clip on YouTube, which shows the US government admitting that the attacks were an inside job.


Ever wondered why the Japanese love killing whales with massive spears? Well, the answer is that it is basically a bloody good laugh. Try it out for yourself, with this new Cetacean Research Simulator. Don’t shoot the Greenpeace boats!

YouTube is of course a place of unparalleled sin and transgression. Thank Heaven then, that there is a Christian approved site where you can go and view videos that are all about being a happy-clappy Christian zealot. Where is this Heaven-On-The-Net, I hear you cry? Why, GodTube of course. I dare you to join, log in and start posting abusive porno montages of Mike Huckabee fellating goats. Well done to the makers of this site for their magnificent effort in bringing together God, and some of the tubes that believe in him.

A couple of stories from the good old UK government press propaganda organ now, otherwise known as the BBC. First up, news that the recently invented teenager-repelling high-pitched devices called Mosquitos are being targeted as an abuse of human rights. Perhaps this is true, and we shouldn’t indiscriminately target young people with low-impact sonic weaponry. Or perhaps we should just level the playing field, and install some sort of repulsor field in nightclubs and style bars that keeps out fat, ugly, old people.

And finally – if you, like me, are a fan of attempting to destroy the entertainment industry by illegally downloading the latest movies, TV shows and albums, then the news is – DO IT FAST. Soon the UK government propose bringing in a ‘broadband ban’ for those who illegally fileshare, meaning that if you are a filesharer you will have your whole net access taken away. So basically, if you want that full Lost collection without a) forking out half a ton for each season on DVD or b) watching approximately nine million years of advertising content on cable TV, you better move your virtual ass.

That’s it from me folks – keep those whistles clean, and remember to hoist the flag backwards.

- JC

Jesus Christ's Internet Digest is not brought to you by Weaponizer in association with Uncyclopedia, but it fucking should be.



Jesus Christ's Internet Digest