Jesus Christ's Internet Digest


“They say you can rap about anything except for Jesus,” complained Kanye West in ‘Jesus Walks,’ but he seems to be getting by, and he hollas at Jesus more often than not in his vastly over-rated bling-hop singles. Our Jesus, well, he’s a different kind of Jesus entirely – the kind of man who would rather turn the water into Jack Daniels, and he’d keep it all for himself because that’s the way life is. JC took time out from frantically packing his bags to leave Scotland and relocate to New York under the Witness Protection Program (oops… sorry Jesus, let that one slip) to bring us tales of transhumanism, gadgetry and pop physics. What you saying, JC? It’s been too long man…

Yo believers, it’s JC here, and I’ve just got time to run you through some of the more strange internet news stories from this past month. I’d like to start by vigorously defending Kanye, whose first album was in fact pretty tits in my opinion. Texture’s assertion that Kanye was repping the original Jesus and not my bad self is complete nonsense – of course he’s talking about me you tit! Don’t listen to Texture, he’s a fuckin’ playa hater. Keep throwin’ them diamonds Kanye! Fo shiz.

Let’s get to it. First up, let me take you to the picturesque Scottish village of Bonnybridge. This sleepy hamlet is a hotspot of UFO activity, as new files released by the MoD reveal. It’s still a mystery why little green men choose to frequent some of the world’s most out-of-the-way places rather than say, just heading straight for the Houses of Parliament and disintegrating all of West and North London with their ray-guns. Perhaps evidence from the newly-released files will shed some light on their motivations – perhaps aliens simply prefer small-town girls?

Next, some hope for you smokers out there – magnets can be used to cure cancer. Go to the fridge immediately and take all the letters off the door – and the rude French poetry. Cover yourself in these for twenty minutes every day, and soon you’ll have the virgin lungs of a Bible Camp teenybopper. Presto!

Terrorism news now – the US government is pouring lots of money into a new sheme to locate terrorists as they move around virtual online worlds. I’m sure you’ll join me in applauding their efforts – how many times have your World of Warcraft sessions been ruined by some n00b who only wants to plot a jihad? Play the game, you freedom-hating fucks!

From virtual space to outer space now, as we rejoin the people with the coolest job in the world, SETI, as they seek out more exoplanets like Gliese 581c. A big hand for these guys – while everyone else is panicking about global warming and terrorism, they’re looking for somewhere nice to go in their spaceship when the shit goes down. Gliese 581c is in the so-called ‘Goldilocks Zone’ of its’ system – not too hot, not too cold, just right. SETI hope to find more exoplanets in similar zones, covering as many bases as possible in a search for a new home for all the scientists, HTML programmers and online gamers. That’s right – we’re leaving the celebrities, politicians and religious people behind. Shh, don’t tell.

Back to cyberspace now – a prime place to find terrorists (and pirates, and astronauts, and Reavers, and whatever you can think of) is the awesome Eve Online, which is now becoming it’s own autonomous universe. It has currency with real dollar value, thousands of subscribers, and a game map so large that you have to buy a bigger screen to see it all at once. Check out Eve if you haven’t already – it is the best of the much-trumpeted virtual worlds online. King of the MMOGs, if you will.

Worrying implications now for those of you hoping to smuggle weaponry, contraband, drugs and very small illegfal immigrants through customs in your clothes. The government is developing technology that is pretty much that bit from Total Recall – it’s a scanner that can see what’s in your pockets. Although this decreases the smuggler’s ability to turn his trade, it does present amusing possibilities for carrying aboard strange objects and flummoxing security guards. Finally, I find a use for that knob-and-balls-shaped keyring.

Back to rayguns, and the news that the US covertly funded research into a gun that could make you hear voices. Now, you could let this terrify you with ideas about induced paranoia and mental illness, but honestly, even if the research was funded by the military, in all likelihood they were just going to use it to make you buy McDonalds. Think about it.

This month’s prize for Fucking Useless Inventions goes to the creator of the coughing tissue box, which basically takes the piss out of you for being ill every time you blow your nose. Yes, that’s what the future needs more of: everyday objects with sarcastic backchat functions. How helpful. What next, a fag packet that says: “You really should quit, those things are bad for you.” FUCK OFF!

No column of mine would be complete without a pointless new designer gun. The Lipstick Gun is actually not a bad idea in terms of self defence. However, if you’re going to shoot someone, they presumably have to have done something to deserve it. That being true, what rapist is going to agree to stop for a minute so she can fix her lipstick? I can’t see it happening. Far more likely is that some unfortunate, inebriated woman will simply grab the wrong lipstick, and make a nasty mess of the Ladies Room. Sorry, that was pretty gross. Just enjoy the cool gun, okay! And yeah, I know it's only a stungun, but I got to thinking.

Something I am personally looking forward to is the perhaps imminent discovery of the existence of the so-called God Particle. Dad’s been looking for that particle since 1986, when it fell through the back of the atoms of the couch. We were on our knees for hours, looking through the shagpile carpet for it, but to no avail. Perhaps the scientists working at the Large Hadron Collider will have better luck.

I’ll leave you with a picture of the awesome, all ladies should have one, the one and only Hello Kitty Power Sander. Man, that will look sweet next to your pink assault rifle!



Also, here’s a link to a cool essay about Transhumanism in science, from awesome website Revolution Radio. A long read, but very interesting. Check it out.

And finally – this is pretty old now, but who could resist another watch of Chuck Norris’ endorsement of US Presidential Candidate Mike Huckabee. Surely it would have been more effective to just say: “Vote Huckabee. Or I will roundhouse kick your face. Period.”



Peace y’all, catch you on the other side (of the Atlantic Ocean).

- JC





Jesus Christ's Internet Digest