Jesus Christ's Internet Digest


“Jesus Christ, fucking cunt, ruined my life,” sang punk metallers Anti-Flag, which is why I steer away from giving moral advice nowadays. Instead, I trawl the internet for the best and weirdest stories and gizmos, delivering them to the Weaponizer faithful. You can draw your own conclusions.

Mortals, I have returned, proclaiming signs and wonders.

I am Internet Jesus, I live in New York.

First up, I’d like to warn you NOT to go to the weirdest theme park in Orlando. Featuring live floorshows like The Crucifixion On Ice and Christianity-themed eats such as Simeon’s Footlong Hotdog, and the Last Supper All You Can Eat Buffet, the Holy Land Experience is perfect for all of you bigoted fundamentalists who want to experience the joys of religious adherence in an environment free of suicide bombers and bearded idolators. And yes, they do have a guy in a Jesus suit walking around giving out free hugs. Yes, he is a registered sex offender with a weird bulge in his robes. Yes, your children will mysteriously be 'taken up to Heaven' by this pseudo-Jesus while riding the It's A Small Golgotha After All ride. You have been warned.

From weird-ass recreations of the imaginary past, to speculative designs of the imminent future – the world’s first Bug that is actually a Bug was recently constructed for the US military. That’s right – the insects are watching you. Apparently, enemy scientists are working on a counter-measure as we speak – expect the Rolled-Up Newspaper to hit Gizmodo in the next few weeks.

This is the part of the column where I tell you what devices and gadgets to lust after. First up, here’s the awesome J-Dome, which gives you new levels of interactive gaming via the use of a curved screen and projector (yes, J stands for Jesus, what else was it gonna be?). This full-immersion device is guaranteed to increase the effectiveness of GTA4 blowjobs by 200%. Speaking of the lauded GTA4, here’s a link to a great article enthusing about the joys of virtual reality violence. It seems that many believe GTA4 to have heralded the arrival of a new age for those with latent psychopathic tendencies. Huzzah.

Next, everyone needs one of these: the stunning Chanel rocket launcher is a must for fans of designer brands and heavy artillery.

Having already mentioned guns and ammunition, its only right that we provide you with targets. Recent news that Russian president 'Bad' Vlad Putin plans to build an army of “gigantic humanoid war robots” is not only good news for aspirant Gundam pilots, its also a step in the right direction considering the proliferation of kitsch firing solutions among the decadent west. Forward, robo-comrades!

Looking for an alternative to popular self-help book, The Bible? Why not try the deluxe hardcover edition of The Cthulhu Cult’s own principal text? Let’s face it, a gigantic, malevolent, many-tentacled monster is far more interesting than some dude with a beard and hippy sandals (and before you ask, yes, I have totally moved on from that particular look. I now dress like Rick James).

More stuff to buy – everyone needs a replica Flux Capacitor. This one’s not powered by banana skins and rubbish – it runs on the disappointed howls of frustrated futurists. To power up for a time-travel jaunt, just holler: “Where’s my fucking jetpack!” at the device, a la Dok Sleepless, and hey presto, it’s 1985 again and the Parkinson’s is a dim memory.

One more pointless product – ever wanted to make guns out of lego? Well, too late, several people have beaten you to it. There’s the crossbow model:



Then there’s the basic automatic:



And if that wasn’t enough, look at these babies.

I leave you with two very cool things to read, for I am Jesus, and you can’t spell Generosity with out J-E-S-U-S. Well, you can obviously, but you shouldn’t. Have a read of this interview with All-Star Superman artist and producer of my favourite comic, Wasted, the mighty Frank Quitely. Finally, marvel as internet heroes Key 64 reveal the origin of genies in Islam.

You have three wishes. May one of them be that Jesus will return. Not in a rapture kinda way, but more like next month, with some more internet goodies and treats.

Keep sinning – and keep smiling.

Jay-C NYC 2008, bitches





Jesus Christ's Internet Digest