HERE WE GO AGAIN by ANDRE NAVARRO

"You are going to be born now," said the angel. "So we need you to get ready."

Randy had been enjoying his third daily blowjob and was caught completely off-guard by that.

"What?" he said.

"Your time in Heaven is up," the angel explained with typical angelical patience. "Time for you to go back to Earth."

"You're kidding, right? I've been here three years," Randy complained.

"Exactly the time that was rewarded to you for your good deeds in your previous life. They barely outnumbered your bad deeds, hence why your stay here was so short. Or do you think we forgot all the fifty seven books you borrowed and never gave back?"

"Is that so bad a sin?"

"The Lord is touchy about literature. No-one takes his book seriously anymore. The ones who do are complete morons. Or republicans, but that's the same thing."

"Maybe because it has two thousand pages and is really badly wr --"

The angel shot him a warning look.

"Sorry," said Randy. "But hey, I'm allowed an opinion."

"Heaven provides a lot of great things, like blowjobs. Opinions are not one of them," he snapped his fingers and the Heavenly Blowjob Girl dissolved into a cloud of mist that vanished completely in a matter of seconds.

"I thought democracy was a good thing."

"On Earth, yes. Who needs democracy in Heaven? Our leader is an omnipotent, perfect being."

Randy grinned sarcastically. "Oh, so you have no complaints."

"None whatsoever."

Pause.

"Okay," said the angel. "Some times I wish the Lord had decided on a gender for us. I'd like to know what getting a blowjob is like. But then, Heaven would be nothing but a huge, never-ending orgy."

Randy turned his palms up. "And what the fuck is wrong with that?"

The angel was thoughtful for some moments.

"Point taken. Let's go."

He followed the angel out of his cloudy residence, crossed a long cloudy field and entered a cloudy chamber. Randy had never cared much for Heaven's interior decorator.

"What's this place? I've never been here before," Randy asked.

"Even if it wasn't forbidden to enter this chamber until the time is right, I doubt you would have noticed it anyway, considering you have stayed in your residence for three years getting blowjobs and snorting coke. And just to remind you, those are sins in Earth, so don't do that there."

"What, not even the blowjobs?"

"We overlook them if you don't abuse your girlfriend's good will. And if you wear a condom. Now and then."

"Why are you telling me this? It's not like I'll remember it."

"Bad habit I can't get rid of. Here," the angel pointed at a screen. "This will show you real-time footage of possible families for you. There are millions of possibilities. Pick one. Wisely."

Randy looked at the angel, puzzled. "Does everyone get to do this?"

"Yes."

"What about people who are born on poor or broken families?"

"Mostly, they come straight from Hell. Lucifer likes to choose your family for you, he's quite good at that. Well, actually, he's terrible at it, but he's the Devil, so that's kind of the point. And some times, our residents have gotten so sick of being happy all the time they choose a lifetime of horror. Which is a stupid thing to do, since you are born with a blank mind and will not remember how happy you were in Heaven. I try telling them so, but too much happiness can turn people into morons."

"Right," said Randy.

"Oh, and of course, some people just choose very badly. So try not to. It's not that hard to see if the father has alcoholic tendencies."

"Okay, let's see," the man pressed the round button next to the screen.

It switched on. A camera was following a redneck guy kicking his three kids out of the way as he staggered to the other side of the trailer to get a beer. His pregnant wife was not paying attention, hypnotized by reality shows on TV.

Randy pressed the arrow-shaped button pointing to the right. The screen switched channels and now it was showing a couple talking to one another and hugging on a rooftop, under a beautiful starry sky. It could have been very romantic, but the pregnant woman had three lit cigarettes in her mouth and her sentences were paused by the compulsive inhalingexhaling. The guy wasn't bothered by this, though. He was smoking four.

Randy pressed the same button again. And then, two seconds later, he pressed it again.

"You didn't even take a proper look at that one," said the angel.

"I didn't have to," Randy replied dismissively.

The angel looked at him knowingly. "It's because they're black, right?"

"What? No!" Randy paused. "Okay, yes, but it's not racism. It's because everyone else is racist. It could be a problem."

"Fair enough," said the angel, not fully convinced. "You should switch back to them, though. Just to be sure."

"Fine," said Randy, pressing the arrow-shaped button pointing to the left. He squinted at the screen. "Hey, is that Barack Obama?"

"Mm. Yep."

"But... that's not Michelle Obama with him."

"Nope. Yeah, you better go to the next channel."

"Heh. This is fun."

"You should see Bill Clinton."

"Why don't we?"

"That software doesn't have a search feature. Just keep zapping."

A few zaps later, he found an interesting family. The father seemed to have an "immature manchild" past, but he also seemed to have grown out of it, retaining only his innocent, fun sense of humor. The mother was open-minded and a good conversationalist. She was rational, he was passional, and they counter-balanced each other nicely. Randy watched for fifteen minutes as they had dinner together and displayed great chemistry.

"I like them," said Randy.

"Seems like a nice choice," the angel agreed. "So, you're ready to go?"

"I'll miss it here."

"Be nice and you'll be back. I know, I know, you won't remember this, but still."

The angel walked Randy to a door. Randy took a better look at it.

"Is that an elevator?" he asked.

"... yes."

"Wouldn't a simple doorway with nothing but white light on the other side be a little more... you know... poetic?"

"We had that, but our interior decorator said it was too old-fashioned."

"This the same guy responsible for all the clouds?"

"I'm not a fan of his work either," the angel motioned towards the elevator. "Have a nice life."

"Thank you. I wonder what they'll name me. I got very used to Randy. Anyway."

He took a deep breath.

"Here we go again."

He entered the elevator and the doors closed. With a metallic clank, it started moving down, sank into the clouds and disappeared.

The angel stretched his joints and spread his wings open. He flew over to the highest cloud in Heaven.

There, God sat on his throne, smiling to himself.

"Good day, Lord," said the angel. "How are you today?"

"Very nice, thank you."

"I've just finished going through the birth list. I think I can take the rest of the day off now. Everyone chose nice families."

"Except the last guy."

The angel frowned. "I'm sorry, sir?"

"The nice thing about pedophiles," said God with a smile, "is that it's not easy to tell they're pedophiles."

The angel raised his eyebrows. "Oh dear."

God shrugged. "What can I say? I'm touchy about literature."