STILLETTO EYE & RAZORGUT by DWAYNE COLTRANE & THE HYPERDEATHPSYCHOROCK 3

Chapter 3 - STILLETTO EYE & RAZORGUT AND THE CURSE OF THE SPIDER ARMY

As they approached the castle, someone sounded a trumpet and the portcullis raised and the drawbridge lowered. StilletoEye and RazorGut gently coasted Betsy - their ultra-cool 55 Cadillac - along the rickety wood, above a deep chasming moat, and into the castle. Behind them the drawbridge was quickly raised and the portcullis lowered.

They were laid out fresh hay, a clean pot and buxom maidens for their night’s rest and comfort and were welcomed as guests of honour in the Great Feasting Hall.

From an immense spread of fattened roast duck, spit roast pig, ale, baked salmon, fermented shark, pungent cheeses, mead, oranges riddled with cloves, knotty bread, wine, greasy and crispy chicken, beetroot soup, massive mushrooms and strange, noxious spirits, StilletoEye and RazorGut took two cheeseburgers and milkshakes and sat at the table.

The warriors all gathered round them, keen to impress them with their tales of valour and bravery and told of dragon gold, escaping ingenious goblin traps, impregnating sirens, taking trophies from krakens, herding demon swine, scaling impossible cliffs, deflecting sorcery with their swords, out-drinking giants, breaking up bar brawls, rescuing Princesses from crazed blood cults at the last possible moment, befriending pixies, descents into Hell, slicing and dicing Lambeth wyrms, taming the goats that pull the sun and the moon, sewing up their own fatal wounds mid-battle, bargaining with Elf blacksmiths, inventing alchemy, swimming in the River Styx….

The King stomped his staff and stood up, frothing at the mouth and red in the face. He pointed at each of the warriors crowding StilletoEye and RazorGut and spat at the ground.

“Ye are brave are ye? Strong? Clever? Handsome? Resourceful? Honourable? PA!”

He spat again.

“A terrible curse has befallen our land and ye have done nothing. Neighbouring kingdoms have crumbled to bloody ash and ye have done nothing. Our countrymen, women and children are being devoured and ye do nothing. When they come for us, what then, will ye still do nothing?”

He sat back down and everyone was silent. No-one met anyone’s eyes.

Later, while StilletoEye and RazorGut were cleaning Betsy, one of their maidens came to check on them. They asked what the King was talking about.

“We don’t know why, but last winter one of our enemies was assailed by The Spider Army, a swarm of giant and grotesque spiders enveloped their fortifications, and…we don’t know what happened…if they were eaten or dragged down to Hell, but all that was left was scorched earth. Since then, five castles have fallen likewise, some enemies, some allies…”

Night was falling, and the rampart shadows crept towards their feet. Faster than the sun was setting. It was not a shadow at all, but a throng of tiny spiders advancing, they enveloped the maiden, and she fell screaming to the ground. Looking up and around, StilletoEye and RazorGut saw similar fates attacking other warriors, their wildly swinging swords utterly impotent. Huge demonic spider legs were creeping over the castle walls.

They got into Betsy and locked the doors and rolled up the window, and sped out of it, crashing through the gate they flew out of the castle and just made the leap to the far side of the moat.

Accelerating away through the masses of black spiders, it was a frantic hour’s drive before they were clear and could see the sky; it was daylight again.