STILLETTO EYE & RAZORGUT by DWAYNE COLTRANE & THE HYPERDEATHPSYCHOROCK 3

Chapter 5 - STILLETTO EYE & RAZORGUT AND THE CARNIVAL OF DEATH

StilletoEye and RazorGut were driving their sleek 55 Cadillac, Betsy, through town, when they came across a grotesque parade blocking the road coming towards them.

A swarm, of haggard, toothless clowns danced their way around Betsy, leering into the windows and thrusting flyers against them. Behind them thronged wrinkled go-go girls atop diseased elephants, muscled midgets pulling rickety carriages with impossibly small cages squeezing dejected tigers, a monstrously fat and naked bearded lady doing an incompetent can-can who smeared her buttocks up and down Betsy’s hoodpiece, moustachioed and tuxedoed men with no legs, Siamese twins, mermaids, fire breathers, a man in a crotchless rubber chicken suit with weights suspended from his testicles, a half-man half-scorpion, a howling lunatic in a straight jacket, a two headed sword swallower, monkeys smoking cigars…behind them danced and awkward band of accordionists, trumpets, hurdy-gurdys and washboards.

Once they had all passed, StilletoEye and RazorGut took a look at the poster that was fluttering against the windscreen: ‘The Parson Harlequin’s Medical Cabinet of Curiosities: Carnival, Burlesque, Masque’.

The turned Betsy around and followed the procession to their garish green and orange big-top in the wasteland outside of town.

The pageant piled in and StilletoEye and RazorGut parked Betsy and paid their entrance fee to a disgusting woman in a cramped booth. Getting two cheeseburgers and milkshakes from the food stand, they took a few goes at the shooting gallery before making their way into the tent.

There were already a lot of people seated waiting for the show. StilletoEye and RazorGut took a seat along from a young couple devouring each others’ faces and in front of a blind man with a seeing-eye dog.

The lights went down and the awkward band from the street shuffled onto stage playing a discordant and uncomfortable melody. A sleazy looking creep walked onto stage, bowed and began the introductions.

First the clowns came out and did a bungling acrobatics routine, before taking a volunteer from the audience, and sawing them in half. Applause. Next came the freaks, who just took some members of the audience, and ate them, spraying gore into the first few rows. Applause. Then the sword swallower and fire breather, who did their act then stood back-to-back and circled, spitting fire and swords into the audience. Applause. Then came the obese bearded lady, who did a strip tease and a lap dance, crushing her poor victim; when she walked into the centre and bent over to splay her buttocks, the remains of the man dripped down into a bloody puddle. Applause.

There weren’t too many people left, and StilletoEye and RazorGut didn’t want to wait for the crotchless rubber chicken suit man.

They snuck out just as the monkeys came screeching out, leaping into the audience and sticking their cigars into people’s eyes.

They got into Betsy and drove off as the horrible ticket vendor screamed after them: “No refunds!”